| Things I Wish I Could Say.......
Yes, this was a long time coming. There are just so many things I wish I could say but I can't because either I don't remember them long enough to write them down or I'm wearing some kind of purple. But I'll try to remember some to entertain those that have been long starved of my brand of humour.
"Why is it so hot in here?"
- Think. You're in the middle of a metal tube with very little openings in the middle of an Asian summer. Can you think of a dumber question?
"Can you help me with this bag?"
- No. You dragged it all the way here. Moving it up 6 more feet to the compartment ain't gonna kill you. Can you think of a dumber question?
"How much longer?" (Yes, I realize
this is a valid question but think about how many times I'm asked this
on a flight and then how many times a month I fly)
- Hmm....didn't you just ring the bell 10 times just to get my attention to change your frickin channel to the info screen and it clearly says how much longer we have to go? What kind of dumb question is that? (You gotta use some variation or else it gets boring)
"Can I have a noodle soup?"
- Would you normally eat this at home? If you answered no, then why as such a dumb question? If yes, let me first explain to you the addictives and crap that is in this cup o' goodness.
Me: Would you care for coffee?
"Water?"
- Yes, let me sprout a third arm from my ass to carry the water jug.
"I know you guys have it in business class so can I get......"
- Look around you dude. You're sitting beside two Big 6s, who aren't wearing shoes, with their abnormally big 6 month olds. Does this look like business class to you?
"Do I need to get off the plane?"
- You know, I really don't want to answer that. If you had listened to the many PAs, then you wouldn't need to ask such a stupid question. But just for you, I will answer that. If you want to get your stinkin ML ass to NY, the faster you get your butt and your junk off my plane, the faster you will get there.
"I want lemonade."
- So do I.
"Can you ask them to move their seat up so I can eat?" (or my favourite variation: pushing the seat violently as if that helps)
- Can you say that a little louder, but direct to the person in front of you? In fact, why ask me? Just do it yourself. Are you totally inept? Is it that hard to ask the person in front of you to move their seat up so you can eat? Are you totally devoid of social skills?
"How do I fill out this form?"
- Follow the instructions.
"Can I get another form?"
- I told you to follow the instructions.
*whistle* "HEY!"
- I am not your biotch....even though my company basically says that I am.
"I'm 6 feet and I can't sit in these seats."
- Hey buddy, you're speaking to the converted. I've a much longer flight than you sitting in the exact same conditions.
"I'm a frequent flyer and this is ridiculous."
- Hmm....funny cuz I just looked at our passenger info list and there is absolutely no mention of you.
(The following three are from one passenger, in sequence)
"This car seat is FAA approved. I will not remove it from the seat!"
- Good for the car seat. I just have one question: what does the FAA do? Oh.....govern aviation in the US. Hmmm, I didn't know I was working for a US company. Why the heck are there so many Chinese people here then?
"I am not getting off the plane!"
- You ever see Air Force One where near the end, Harrison Ford totally rocks and basically aphyxiates a guy with a parachute while delivering the line of the movie, 'get off my plane!' ? I happen to have just brought a parachute with me.
"I'm going to sue all of you!"
- Go ahead. And when you get some money from my company, can you share some with me cuz I'm certainly not getting enough.
"How does this cosmetic product look?"
- Look, I'm Cathay's bitch. Do I look like I work for Christian Dior?
"I'm done. Take this away."
- Yes master (but in Igor's voice)
"What do you have to eat?"
- Are you kidding me?! You didn't just hear me yell that to the 40 passengers ahead of you? And you basically grabbed the menu out of my hands when I was passing them out.
"I want rice."
- Gomer pile, listen to me carefully. I have choice one and choice two, neither of which are rice. You ask me one more time, you won't get anything to eat.
"I think you guys are just taking a break and don't actually want to work."
- Not when your attitude is like that, of course not. Now, sit down in your seat and think about what you just said.
"My husband is a pilot and I think this is ridiculous."
- But what does your husband think? Why isn't he complaining then? Maybe because he knows that we are right and you are.......how do I put this lightly........OBVIOUSLY WRONG!!!!
Okay........just so that everyone knows, I obviously don't think this.........most of the time. And all the questions that I have put up here are in fact, questions that have been asked or things that have been said. So hope you enjoyed that little bit of ranting. I know I did.
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